Earlier in my 20’s, during a time when I piled bad decision
on top of bad decision and dug myself a hole that seemed too large to get out
of, I started thinking that dying might not be the worst thing in the world. I
thought, “Sure, the sadness my parents and other family members would feel would
be unimaginable, but wouldn’t it be better for them to feel all that sadness
now and have the chance to move on instead of having me inflict continuous
disappointment and pain throughout the rest of their lives?” I never thought
about killing myself, but I thought I saw a silver lining if something were to
happen to me.
I am unbelievably lucky. I do not suffer from clinical
depression, the kind that follows people throughout their entire lives, the
kind that sometimes is too much for even the strongest person with the best
medication, the kind that people like Robin Williams spend a lifetime fighting,
until they can’t fight anymore. I got out of that hole with the help of others,
and in spite of my awful decision to never tell anyone how bad things really
got. I never felt like that before, and have never felt like that since. I am
unbelievably lucky, but I have been to the bottom or at the very least close
enough to see it.
I’ve heard from many people who suffer from clinical
depression or other mental disorders that they reach the bottom repeatedly.
They struggle and battle daily to do what they can to manage, but regardless
how well things may be going, there’s always another trip to the bottom in the
distance. The battle I had to deal with one time due to my own stupidity is one
that many have to deal with their entire lives because of some faulty wiring in
their genetic makeup that they had no control over. I cannot fathom how
difficult that must be to deal with, nor imagine the level of strength needed
to continuously combat it.
The general public’s understanding of depression has grown
more nuanced over the years. Where in years past depression was thought of more
as a character flaw or something that could always be fixed, after Williams’
passing, I read thoughts from countless people who either acutely or generally
understood the serious medical components that contributes to depression. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of people
out there who don’t or refuse to understand, who see that someone has killed themselves
and label them “selfish”. As writer Gary
Parrish (@GaryParrishCBS) tweeted:
“My experience with friends who have either attempted or committed suicide is that they reach a point where they genuinely believe the people who love them (and world in general) would be better off without them. That’s not selfish. That’s just really, really sad."
We should always do our best to help anyone who we may think
is suffering from depression, to reach out and offer our support. But
sometimes, even after everything possible has been done, it just may not be
enough. Sometimes no amount of fight is enough. Another writer, Libby Hill (@midwestspitfire) put it best:
“If you think someone in your life may be depressed, please reach out to them. If someone in your life is depressed and doesn’t reach out, please don’t judge them. And if, god forbid, someone in your life loses their battle with their depression, please understand that they likely tried their hardest.”
You can follow Andy on
twitter at @AMOhoop34
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